How to deal with difficult coworkers

No matter where you go, you’ll occasionally bump into someone you struggle to get along with. Normal differences aside, some people dislike being friendly or having a good time. If you’re unlucky enough to work with one of those people, preserving your sanity will depend on learning to adjust.

There is no monolith for complicated people. Their personalities can range from being controlling, attention-starved, condescending, pretentious, impatient, or a concoction of any of the other countless annoying traits. Other people might not be so toxic, but they can frustrate your day-to-day.

Sorry to break the news. Difficult coworkers don’t often change. Since their behavior is outside your control, the best career advice is to learn to control your behavior to keep an even keel—at least, as much as possible.

Whether starting at a new job or navigating conflict resolution with someone who seems intent on misunderstanding you, the basics of dealing with these people will help you in all areas of life. Let’s talk about them.

Types of difficult coworkers

Spending eight hours a day at work is tough enough as it is. Throw a frustrating coworker into the mix, and you could become less productive, less organized, and less cordial in your relationships. Sure, it’s a work-life problem, but it can easily bleed into other areas of your life.

Building positive relationships at work requires work, and approaches will vary depending on the organizational dynamics of your workplace.

The team member

The difficult colleague you’ll encounter the most is your immediate team member—someone with similar work duties who reports to the same boss.

Because there are more subordinates than leaders, you’ll encounter difficult team members more than once in your life. The good news is that unless your work depends on theirs, you’ll have more freedom to deal with them daily.

No rule says you have to be cozy with all your coworkers. While building rapport is helpful in work relationships, keeping things professional as you focus on your work is perfectly fine. Keep contact to a minimum unless that person’s actions harm your self-esteem.

The direct manager

While it’s easy to avoid contention with your team members, the same cannot be said for a demanding boss.

When folks who are terrible with people are tasked with overseeing and finding work for underlings, work can become depressing. Overmanaging, nitpicking, and condescension are the most common issues here, and we can’t rule out cluelessness either.

In these cases, being on your toes and thinking before you act is essential. However you may feel about their personality or poor leadership, they must see you at your best as often as possible. Practice patience. Plan to go above and beyond your work so you can stay in their good graces. You know, donuts and coffee, gifts occasionally, and only share your most agreeable opinions.

It’s not fun, but better than an antagonistic relationship with your boss.

The executive

Some companies are plagued by poor leadership at the highest levels. VPs, Presidents, and Board members can all influence the company in ways that hurt everyone else’s productivity.

The dilemma is whether to keep your head down and avoid undue attention or carefully suggest ideas for improvement. Tread lightly. Demanding executives can rain down terror if not dealt with properly, and that can cause trouble for you and your coworkers.

Like managers, demanding executives must see their best side as often as possible. These people are not interested in your critical opinions (nor would they understand them).

The client

Every business needs a customer, and sometimes customers wreak havoc on the lives of their handlers.

Frankly, this is just part of the job. If you’re in a client-facing role and have a client from hell, commiserate with your coworkers. If you need to bring an issue to your manager, frame it as a friendly suggestion rather than an urgent need.

The good thing about demanding clients is that while they require patience, you can forget about them afterward. Dealing with demanding clients is reminding yourself that their actions reflect their beliefs, not their shortcomings. With that in mind, if customers are actively hostile, actions may need to be taken.

The direct report

If you are a manager, you will have to deal with difficult subordinates occasionally. Despite acing your interview questions and maintaining an immaculate LinkedIn profile, some people cause problems later on.

Patience and respect are key here. While the human resources department can stiff-arm a complex direct report into better behavior, involving senior management looks terrible. The better approach is to devote time to frank discussions about what’s wrong and outline a plan to improve behavior.

Difficult direct reports won’t always come around—some people won’t comply—but giving them the benefit of the doubt is an excellent first step. If problems persist, though, escalation may be necessary.

Protect your well-being

Difficult coworkers can be a nightmare. If you cry in the parking lot before work or have trouble sleeping, it’s time for something to change.

First, keep your cool. It’s gratifying to imagine putting someone in their place with a well-timed, witty remark—it may even be appropriate—but usually, it causes more harm than good. I know it’s disappointing.

Immediate solutions to difficult situations include the usual self-help staples, such as:

• Writing in a journal
• Taking a walk
• Eating a snack
• Calling a friend or family member to vent
• Listening to a favorite song or album
• Take some time off

Actually, these are short-term solutions, but they can prevent you from misbehaving before finding a way through the problem. Keep your head up. Distract yourself from difficult people by digging into work and giving 100 percent. In the meantime, avoid any erratic behavior.

Keep things professional

Difficult coworkers can interfere with your workflow. While this needs to be addressed, it must be done with tact and professionalism.

When conversing with a problematic coworker, it is important to address facts and concrete strategies. Clarity ensures that your coworker can’t accuse you of misrepresenting the situation, dismiss your criticisms, and get your facts straight beforehand.

How you speak will also affect the outcome of your conversation, so plan out your statements in advance. Defer to the company’s success as often as possible to keep things from getting personal, and avoid open-ended questions as they open the door for word salad.

Here are a few suggestions to try:

• “I’m worried that when clients see you berate me like that, they gain a negative impression of us as a company. Do you think we could have those conversations in private next time?”
• “This isn’t a great time for me to discuss this topic at length. Could we schedule some time to meet one on one?“
• “I’m sensing that you’re unsatisfied with my work. Could we meet to establish a few standards you’ll be happy with and that I can achieve?“
• “I didn’t realize that ____ was part of my job, and I apologize if that misunderstanding created more work for you. Could we discuss my job description so I know what kind of work you expect from me?“
• “I didn’t mean to upset you back there. What would you have done differently if you were in my position?”

Collect screenshots and cite quotations along with relevant dates and times. Hopefully, you won’t need them, but being prepared is better than being blindsided during a heated conversation.

Avoid gossiping

One way to make friends and enemies at work is to commiserate with a coworker. While it’s undeniably cathartic, making a habit of it can hurt your professional reputation.

Crowds where gossip happens can be unpredictable. Office gossip can be dangerous. If the wrong person overhears your unkind words or misunderstands what you said, they might repeat it to the person you were talking about. Consequently, this could further damage your relationship with them, potentially beyond repair.

Gossip is an equal opportunity offender. Just because you’re part of the scoop this time doesn’t mean you won’t be the juicy subject next time around. People who gossip often aren’t known for their loyalty, which means your dirty laundry could be next.

If you must spill the beans to someone, do it in the company of people you know and trust. Also, have the conversation elsewhere than your workplace.

HR can’t always help you

It’s tempting to bring your coworkers’ concerns to HR, but sometimes, it’s better not to involve them unless the problem is serious—such as harassment, discrimination, illegal activity, etc. Here’s a video with more ideas on that subject.

While some HR departments are invested in the well-being of employees, other departments today focus primarily on protecting the company’s interests. They have no obligation to look out for your well-being, and many young workers learn the hard way that going to HR tends to cause more problems than it solves.

To an HR department, employees who complain a lot are just as dangerous as employees who cause harm to others in the workplace. Once an employee is recognized as sufficiently nosy, their chances of being written up and terminated may increase, regardless of whether they did anything wrong.

Apologies if this is news to you, but complaining to HR about a difficult coworker has the potential to jeopardize your own job.

Be a friend

In closing, be someone others feel comfortable around. Keeping work separate from your personal life will help you stay mentally sharp and emotionally safe. Best of luck out there.

More resources:
Workplace conflict examples and how to handle them
Malicious compliance in the workplace: Causes and prevention
Workplace feedback: The backbone of effective communication