The gift of gab: Get better at small talk

Being a successful manager is a combination of skill, training and experience. But much of it also depends on your ability to connect with others in a way that makes them feel valued, and heard. You can improve your capabilities at the latter by learning how to better engage in small talk.

Here are a few tips to boost your small talk skills to better connect with the people you meet, and the professionals you lead.

1. Stay armed with an intriguing response

How many times have you been asked “What’s new?” or “What have you been up to?” How often have you responded with an answer like “Working a lot” or “Just busy with work and family?” Honest as such responses may be, they’re instant conversation killers. Eliminate rote responses by writing down one new experience you’ve had at the end of each day. Unimportant as it may seem in the overall scope of your life, trying that new local restaurant, tuning into the latest episode of your favorite podcast, or finishing a great book can all transform meaningless chitchat into a more thoughtful exchange. Likewise, remember that it’s OK to respond with “evergreen” topics. It may have been six months since you renovated your house or your family trip to France may be six months away, but if the topic could fuel interesting conversation, mention it.

2. Don’t just sit there, take the lead

When researchers studied the conversational habits (or lack, thereof) of passengers on commuter trains, the subjects who were instructed to interact with others during their ride self-reported feeling more positive after the fact than those who maintained solitude. Though study participants ranked the difficulty they thought they’d face striking up a conversation with a stranger as a 4 on a scale of 0 to 6 before the experiment and thought that only half of the people would be willing to engage in small talk, not one was rebuffed when they struck up a conversation.

The takeaway? Small talk is an opportunity to boost your own happiness—and that of those around you. Ease the apprehension others likely feel by taking charge of the interaction. Introduce yourself, smile, and shake the person’s hand. (If you’ve met the person before, remind them of your name, and the last time you spoke). Once you learn the person’s name, repeat it once or twice during the conversation to remember who they are, and let them know you are present in the conversation.

3. Change topics with strategic questions

Approach small talk like an investigative reporter, not an anchorperson. Learning the who, what, when, where, why and how. The more frequently you approach conversations with this goal, the more natural you’ll feel asking questions. Only then can you really find out what someone is about, and what you might have in ­common.

When conversations reach a lull, turn to phrases like “what do you think about” or “have you heard” to encourage the person to speak. If you’re at a professional event, inquire about them as a whole person: How do they earn a ­living, and what do they do for fun? Do they have pets, a spouse or partner, or kids? These questions can also help ease your own instinct to launch into a monologue during awkward pauses or silence.

4. Think connection, not conversation

Does it seem like you can converse more easily in a job interview than a luncheon for your child’s school? The reason likely has less to do with your connection with the person, and more to do with the level of importance you’ve given the interaction. Researchers have found that people tend to feel happier engaging in what they view as meaningful conversation, compared to trivial chitchat.

If you struggle with small talk, change how you view it. Every interaction, regardless of the content, the participant, or the length of the discussion is a chance to connect with someone else, and learn.

Instead of viewing small talk as mindless chatter, consider it a chance to deepen your understanding about your profession, the people in it, and the larger world around you.