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Curbing that quick tongue at work
- By Marie McIntyre, Ph.D, Your Office Coach
- 8/19/2009 - 11:17am
- Office Communication , Your Office Coach
Marie McIntyre, Ph.D, Your Office Coach
Marie McIntyre,Ph.D., has more than 20 years experience as a manager, business owner and the HR director at a Fortune 500 company. She's authored two business books and writes a nationwide newspaper column. Her web site, www.YourOfficeCoach.com, offers a variety of career success strategies.
View all articles by Marie McIntyre, Ph.D, Your Office CoachQuestion: My problem is my mouth. I tend to say whatever is on my mind without thinking about the consequences. For example, I recently met with one of our top executives. When he asked my opinion of him, I replied, “At first I thought you were a snob, but now you seem OK.” That was not a good answer. I also said too much in a meeting with my boss’s boss. After describing a problem with one co-worker, I went on to say that all the other women on my team have become less friendly and sometimes talk about me behind my back. I could tell that this was not well-received. Now I feel as though these managers are uncomfortable with me whenever I’m around them. How can I stop myself from saying too much?” — Motormouth
Marie’s Answer: Your problem seems to go beyond simply speaking your mind. Try to view the situation objectively and consider the following points:
• Several of your comments reflect an extreme concern with what others might be thinking about you. In reality, however, most people are probably preoccupied with their own affairs and not focused on you at all.
• This hypersensitivity can easily lead to faulty assumptions. For example, you seem inclined to give a negative interpretation to others’ behavior, believing that they feel superior or don’t like you.
• When you combine hypersensitivity with a quick tongue, damaged relationships often result. To create a filter between your brain and your mouth, practice pausing before you speak. This will allow you to consciously choose your words.
For a more balanced outlook, develop the habit of questioning your negative conclusions about others. See Improving Your "Self-Talk" for some specific tips. But if these patterns seem to be deeply entrenched, you may wish to consult a professional counselor.
Small Business Tax Deduction Strategies: 10 tips on Section 179, home office write-offs for the self-employed, tax deductions for vehicles, rental depreciation, real estate capital gains and more!
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9 Responses to "Curbing that quick tongue at work"
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said this on 19 Aug 2009 12:37:15 PM EST
The quick tongued person can't be taught emotional intelligence you either have it or you don't.
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said this on 19 Aug 2009 12:45:22 PM EST
You may want to seek couseling. If you do this at work, my guess is that you also do it in your personal life. There may be an underlying reason and counseling may help you understand why you do it and may give you assistance in helping you stop. Because it REALLY must stop.
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said this on 19 Aug 2009 12:51:11 PM EST
Michelle, thanks for the reply. I have learned that when posting questions, someone rewrite the question and then post it. The message the rewritten article sends isn't the original message that I've sent. I actually heard people talking I didn't assume they were talking which the article indicates. I also wanted to know how do I build a relationship with the superiors whom are now uncomfortable with me.
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said this on 20 Aug 2009 8:30:32 AM EST
Tasha: We currently have the exact situation with an employee who continiously speaks without thinking and the ramifications of her actions are far reaching, as she is a therapist. We believe her problem comes from fear, low self-worth and anger, and yes, she needs her own therapist to work throught these things with her so that she can be a respectable/respected woman. If you want your fellow employees/ superiors to interact with you, you first must earn their respect by behaving respectably. And more importantly, with this change you will learn to respect yourself.
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said this on 20 Aug 2009 12:01:14 PM EST
Hi Tasha-
Because I did not have your email address, I couldn't send a personal reply and had to address your question in the column. Due to space limitations, we do have to edit long questions and cannot always address all the issues raised. However, if you will email me at mmcintyre@yourofficecoach .com , I will be most happy to answer the question about how to deal with your superiors. All the best - Marie |
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said this on 19 Aug 2009 12:48:11 PM EST
I am the original author of the article "curbing that quick tounge at work". My concern and question is how to I build a better relationship with my superiors whom are now uncomfortable when they are around me?
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said this on 19 Aug 2009 1:06:42 PM EST
Tasha,
Most likely, your superiors currently dread what you are going to say and are constantly on edge. If I were your superior, it would just take time for me to realize that you had curbed your tongue, and over time, the more times you carry on polite and appropriate conversations with them, the more they will trust you and enjoy talking to you. I have a coworker who does the same thing and says inappropriate things at very inappropriate times. People dread talking to her and are always worried what will come out of her mouth next. Unfortunately, she doesn't realize that she has a problem. At least you recognize that you have that problem, so you can be more conscious of it and make steps to change! |
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said this on 20 Aug 2009 11:28:10 AM EST
Jason you might be right about EQ, but I don't give up easily and btw I am sure that I suffer saying the wrong things and take way too many things personally.
If you recognize the problem and you really want to change try the following: Take the time spell T.H.I.N.K. before you speak, this is time to measure what you are about to say and if doesn't pass the five criteria listed below then just don't say it. Is it true and timely. Is it helpful Is it inspirational Is it necessary Is it kind |
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said this on 21 Aug 2009 2:52:40 PM EST
Tasha, it's too bad that your original post was edited, as what you wanted to ask wasn't exactly what was presented in the column. I agree with OfficeGal, that it's quite possible your superiors are "on edge" about what you'll say next, which will made it very difficult for you to gain their trust and improve your relationship with them. But the only way to gain their trust and improve your relationship will be for you to learn to control your mouth, so that's why we're all coming back to that point.
The old idea of "counting to 10" really CAN be very helpful - if you re-train yourself to wait before responding, you should soon find that because you've reasoned out what you want to say, people will be more likely to listen to you and take you seriously. Christina's THINK system is good, too - I've never run across that one, and although it might seem a bit hard to apply in a business setting ("inspirational" might not always be what's called for, e.g.), it certainly has its merits. And finally, in my experience most people appreciate a good listener much more than a big talker - if you can really strive to clamp down on the instinctive response, which is getting you into trouble with your co-workers and your superiors, and can try instead to be a more patient responder and committed listener, you'll probably be amazed at what a change it will be for you. Good luck! |
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