You can't control his behavior. You can only control how you respond to it. You need to minimize your encounters with him, and for what remains, you ignore the complaints and make a conscious decision not to let him affect you. Why would you give him that power?

I agree with Lisa and gamehen -- you need to do your job and let him phase himself out.

But by listening to her at all, you are giving her an audience and drama people ALWAYS need audiences. Without an audience they either lose interest and move on or they learn to keep their drama to themselves.

I used to carpool with a woman who was very similar, she was either complaining or fishing for gossip. I don't participate in either, so I tended to be quiet. When she couldn't get me to bite, she decided that she'd have to move on.

I would keep things light and topics neutral when we talked. I was surprised when I ran into her after she had left our carpool and she asked how my mother liked her assisted living facility - I hadn't told her and my friend that she worked with hadn't told her either. Her husband was my mother's caseworker for the state, I talked to his boss about the fact that he was discussing cases with his wife and he was reassigned to something else.

I had never discussed my mother's condition or situation with her because it was personal. When she'd ask, I'd just say that she was doing as well as could be expected for her age - well into her 80's

Our third person in the carpool would complain to me about the fact that this one had to constantly talk - we'd been carpooling for a year and you'd think we'd be comfortable enough by now to do so in quiet or with minimal talk, just time to mentally transition, but not in this case.

Hi Kathy,

Can I have the name of the author of this book please?

Avoid when you can, but sometimes people like this find you when they think you have a sympathetic ear. How I deal with it depends on who and what my relationship is with them, and the problem. Usually I redirect their attention. If they are complaining that someone is having a hard time (gossip). I tell them we all have problems and point out something they are struggling with. They usually say, that’s true and move on. If it’s about them, I tell them there are pros/cons to everything and they should take some quiet time to sit and make a list to see which out weighs what, see if it’s worth their energy to resolve or not, and think about whether their complaining and dwelling on a problem isn’t what is making things difficult for them and not allowing them to move on. If the problem is dealing with certain individuals, I tell them you know how they are, and they’re not going to change, so instead of complaining—which does nothing for you—maybe come up with some mental exercises to minimize the impact of how you take things. I do try to help out those who have problems that need to be resolved, but the chronic complainers usually start steering clear of me.

I agree with Barb. Don't give him an audience. Tell him one last time if he is so unhappy, then he should leave. Then tell him you don't want to hear any more of it. If he tries again, just say "I don't want to hear it". If he feels rejection from you instead of comfort when he complains to you, he will stop complaining to you.

My response is usually, "So what do you plan to do about it?" That puts the burden back on them and they don't like that. Sometimes when people complain, they are trying to work things out in their heads and formulate a plan, and just need a sounding board. But for chronic complainers, it generally stops them dead in their tracks because their response is usually, "Nothing." If I'm feeling cranky that day, I might ask them, "So what do you expect me to do about it?" Lots of people complain to me about various things, because they know I'll listen and they want my advice, but chronic complainers give up on me pretty quickly.

I agree with everyone's points. Howeever, I deal with this situation myself and have found nothing works. I can't walk away because this person comes to me desk. Even if I do get up and go somewhere else, they follow me. I've tried approaching them directly, indirectly, friendly, rude, and in a humourous manner. They have all failed. Even my bosses do not do anything about it. Sometimes you can do nothing but accept it.

I love Patty's suggestion: asking the complainer, "So what do you plan to do about it?" That's been my solution with a chronic complainer that I know. I've also done what some of the other posters suggested: limit my contact with her, tell her I'm on a deadline and don't have time to talk, say I'm on my way somewhere (escape!). If at all possible, don't engage.

I used to be too polite and would try to hear her out, but not anymore. By listening to her, it just "fed" the problem. You might have to try saying something like, "This conversation is making me really uncomfortable. I'm sorry I can't help you."

And remember: If you are seen talking with a complainer, even if you're just being polite, people might get the idea that you agree with him, and you could be branded a complainer, too.

This one's for Lora. Yes, you can do something about the complainer. If this person comes to your desk and doesn't leave when you tell him/her, if this person follows you when you leave your desk and doesn't change that behavior, you need to talk to your HR department about the possibility that this person is creating a hostile workplace. HR does NOT want to hear the words "hostile workplace" because it exposes them to potential litigation.

I have someone similar to this in my office. These are great suggestions but have to through a wrinkle in all of them...What do you do when that person is your boss? How do you talk to your boss when the response to my own job/work related concerns are always explained away based on the unhappiness of my boss instead of a suggestion or solution as a boss should provide?

When the complainer is your boss, and you are looking for direction in a course of action, you could try saying, "I understand how you feel about the situation, but I am still looking for some direction (or a solution) here: what do you want me to do with/about...? Or do you want me to ignore it?"