The HR Specialist

In addition to providing plain-English HR advice that tells readers what they can do, not just what they can’t do, The HR Specialist shows HR professionals how to raise the profile of the HR function from the back office to the boardroom. Readers will find personal success by developing innovative solutions to general management problems.  Learn more about The HR Specialist and the two free reports you'll get when you subscribe...

Up to 30% of a typical manager’s time is spent dealing with conflicts. And in every person, the natural reaction to conflict is based on biology: When confronted with danger, our innate biological response is to either attack or run away—the famous “fight or flight” syndrome.

The fight reaction can translate into arguing, yelling and even becoming physical. At the other end, the flight reaction causes us to quickly give in, flee to uncomfortable situations or avoid bringing up difficult issues. 

In the workplace, neither fight nor flight behaviors are likely to result in solving the problem. Instead, use the following three strategies to help you move from conflict to resolution:

1. Shift into neutral 

Shifting into neutral means getting your own feelings under control and discussing the situation as calmly as ossible. If you feel strongly about the issue, this will not be easy. 

Physically relax. Reducing physical tension will reduce emotional tension (and vice versa). Do something that will calm you. Take deep breaths, contract and release your muscles, visualize a peaceful scene, go for a walk.

Modify your attitude. Think through the situation and try to become more objective. Consider the other person’s point of view. Ask yourself how an outside observer would view the problem.

Use neutral language. Once you’re physically calm, you’re ready to talk about the situation. Decide what you’ll say to start the conversation or—if confronted by someone else—to respond. Neutral language describes the situation and does not judge anyone. 

Example: “Lately I’ve talked with several clients who expected services for which they weren’t eligible.” Not: “You are always promising clients things that are impossible for us to do.”

2. Focus on the other person

At the beginning of a conflict, most people want to give their views and say what they are upset about. It’s contrary to human nature to focus on the other person at this point. Nevertheless, that is the most important thing you can do to reduce defensiveness and anger. How?

Tell them what you appreciate. Here’s a tough one—find something that you truly appreciate about this person and incorporate that into your discussion. 

Example: “I really do appreciate your desire to help people.”

Describe the person’s point of view. Before launching into your own sermon, try to describe how you think the situation looks to them.

Example: “Since you’re the person who does the initial intake with clients, I expect that you feel a lot of pressure to tell them that we can help with their situations.”

Ask questions and listen. If you don’t have a clue about the person’s point of view, this is how you learn. Think of questions to ask. And really listen; don’t just wait for the other person to finish so you can talk.

Example: “What happens during intake that tends to raise clients’ expectations?”

Go with the resistance. When someone is resistant to your ideas or suggestions, don’t continue to force the issue. Instead, ask questions to learn more about where this resistance is coming from.

Example: “What are your concerns about following the new procedures?”

3. Say what you need

You have to be willing to say what you need in order for anything to change. Saying what you need works better than telling others what’s wrong with them.

Make factual observations. Try to differentiate fact from opinion and describe situations as objectively (and neutrally) as possible.

Example: “The last three times we had a change in expense reimbursement policies, the forms were not revised until several months later.”

Describe effects of the problem. Explain how this problem affects you, the department, your customers, etc.

Example: “As a result, employees received reimbursement checks late because required information was omitted.”

Describe your feelings. Telling someone how you feel is more effective than acting out those feelings by yelling or sounding irritated.

Example: “I’m getting tired of all these calls from people who are angry about not receiving their checks.”

Identify the real issues. Don’t spin your wheels arguing about symptoms instead of causes or about minor issues. 

Example: “Before we try to settle this specific issue, I’d like to talk about why it seems to be so hard to get forms revised quickly.”

Source: Your Office Coach, Marie McIntyre, Ph.D., www.theHRSpecialist.com/YOC.

______________________________________________

Use this 'Memo to Managers' article to educate your supervisors. Paste the content into an e-mail, company newsletter or other communication. Edit as desired.