Damage control: When your emotions get away from you

You know you shouldn’t have cried, overreacted, yelled, or accused. However, managers are only human, and sometimes emotions get the best of them in the workplace. Since it is impossible to go back in time to erase the incident, focus on the question at hand: What can be done to repair the damage with your staff?

Try these relationship-salvaging steps:

Recognize the impact of your behavior.

Don’t sit around hoping the feelings aroused by your actions will go away on their own. Ignoring “the elephant in the office” will make you appear either clueless or uncaring. Likewise, don’t try to downplay your team’s reaction in an effort to make yourself feel better.

Ed Muzio, author of Survival Basics for the Infor­­ma­­tion Age and CEO of Group Har­­monics, notes that employees tend to expect a great deal from their managers and can become quite upset when behavior falls short. “It raises doubts about our own security, which can activate our fight-or-flight reflexes—what’s sometimes called our reptilian brain. At that most primary level, a threat to long-term job security is no different than an immediate threat to our life; both provoke the same intense response. If you’re a manager and you’ve behaved negatively, keep this intensity in mind as you craft your recovery plan.”

Apologize.

While this step may sound simple, doing it thoughtfully is essential to restoring trust. Start with a verbal “I’m sorry,” then acknowledge the behavior that was inappropriate (such as “I overreacted,” “I shouldn’t have put you on the spot,” or “I responded without hearing your side”). Avoid making excuses or trying to share the blame. Own­­ing up to what happened shows that you’re aware of what you did and sincerely want to make amends. It also sets a good example that you expect accountability, not finger-pointing, on your team.

When determining who should receive an apology and in which setting to deliver it, Alan Vengel—author of 20 Minutes to a Top Performer and CEO of Vengel Consulting Group—suggests a three-step approach:

• Apologize to each affected person one on one, letting him or her know that you regret what you have said or done and that you are working to have more discipline and control over your emotion and responses.

• Apologize to the people who may have witnessed the event and been embarrassed or offended. Again state your intention for better control of your emotions.

• In a group setting, let everyone know that you have spoken to the people involved, apologized and will keep working on your behavior.

Set the tone for the future.

While your staff would love a guarantee that they’ll never experience a similar gaffe in the future, avoid overpromising.

“Make commitments you can keep,” Muzio says. “If this truly was a one-off situation, saying ‘It will not happen again’ is great. But if you make that commitment and fail, your credibility and reputation suffer mightily. Lesser commitments, depending upon your comfort level and relationship with the team, might be things like ‘I’m working on being less emotional’ or ‘I’m going to try hard to take a few deep breaths next time.’”

Let it go.

Finally, after amends have been made, stop beating up yourself. Continuing to apologize or bring up the matter blows the situation out of proportion and keeps it front and center longer than need be. Time will heal the wounds, especially if you prove with better behavior that you’ve learned from the mistake.