Question: "Is it ever appropriate to let a co-worker know why people don't like her? I just finished working on a big project with a peer and found it so stressful that I simply cannot work on that same project next year. She disrupts meetings with too many questions, often asked in a demeaning way. She doesn't listen, talks too much and rarely allows anyone else to get an idea heard … if we do, she still finds a way to say we'll do it her way. She's very intelligent and is able to help out in many ways, but she rubs people the wrong way. This project raises money. It was not a plus having her involved because everyone shuts down as soon as she appears. I ended up frustrated and even unwilling to participate by the project's end. HELP!" —
FrustratedSee Comments Below.
How to help unpopular coworker help herself?
Is it ever appropriate to let a co-worker know why people don't like him/her? I just finished working on a big project with a peer and found it so stressful that I simply cannot work on that same project next year. She disrupts meetings with too many questions, often asked in a demeaning way. When she raises her hand in a meeting, people start rolling their eyes. I personally get along with her, but I could never be on a committee with her again. She doesn't listen, talks too much and rarely allows anyone else to get an idea heard … if we do, she finds a way to say that our ideas are nice, but we'll be doing it her way. She's very intelligent and is able to help out in many ways, but she rubs people the wrong way. I haven't spoken to one person that has said they enjoy being around her; every time I mention her name, people groan. This project involved raising money. It was not a plus having her involved with the people, because everyone shuts down as soon as she appears. I ended up very frustrated and even unwilling to participate at the end of the project. HELP! —Frustrated
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Lead by example and encouragement for things done well.
This type of criticism will not go over very well. As a co-worker, it is not your place to criticize nor should you put yourself in a position for her to be defensive and criticize you and your performance. It would be most appropriate coming from her boss or at least someone in authority who worked on this project so they have first hand knowledge of how she is.
I used to work with a guy just like that. You said: “She’s very intelligent and is able to help out in many ways, but she rubs people the wrong way.”
I’d find a way to start the difficult conversation by privately saying something along the lines of, “Have you ever noticed how really brilliant people often are overly impatient with those of us who aren’t?” pause, pause, pause. And just see what she says. (And maybe work into it the topic of emotional vs. intellectual intelligence so she’s open to improving her relationships at work. She must know she’s not well-liked on some level.) But whatever you do, don’t say “everybody thinks this or that about you.” As you’ve pointed out, she has her worth and you’re in a position to help her and your company by gently setting her on a better path. But speak only for yourself and change your mindset to a more positive one. When others roll their eyes at her, try to find a way to agree with only her good points. It seems you already feel compassion for her obnoxious traits (even as they stress you out) … so definitely try to tactfully enlighten her, if your personal relationship really is good, maybe even tell her in advance of meetings that you’ll give her a clue when it’s time to let someone else talk…warn her you’ll help her by interrupting her with a question of your own to someone (anyone!) else in the meeting, i.e., “We haven’t heard from John. John didn’t you have an idea about that?” Let us know how it goes. We all like to see people grow.
Yes, I think it would be very appropriate to let her know all this. If a person is not told the areas they need to improve, then how in the world can they improve? How can she work on those issues if nobody wil tell her what they are?