Are your employees too happy? Too satisfied? Are you tired of being pestered with ideas for saving time and money, improving morale or making work more rewarding?
Here’s how to deal with those happy little people:
1. When they make a suggestion, cut them off. Time-wasters!
2. If they manage to get their thoughts out, argue them down. They’ll leave thinking they really blew that, and won’t try it again.
3. Hog credit. If an idea actually has merit, don’t let on. Give an indifferent response. Two weeks later, present it as your own. Works every time.
4. At a meeting, tick off everything people failed to accomplish. Make them explain their failures in front of their peers. It’s a good way to end the meeting fast.
5. Praise privately, criticize publicly. Better yet, don’t praise anybody. It’ll swell their heads.
6. Criticize in broad strokes. Take one thing an employee did wrong and blame her for everything that’s wrong: “You didn’t order a computer for Rachel yet? This is why nobody wants to work here.”
7. Get the board’s sign-off for your idea before you run it by the engineers. Once the board approves it, the engineers have to make it happen.
8. Put criticism in writing. Ever notice how your critiques have extra zing when relayed by e-mail rather than over a sandwich?
9. Don’t put up with employees’ lame solutions. You’re the boss. Make sure they know that.
10. When one person does something wrong, indict the group. If Jane messes up her time sheets, criticize everyone and threaten them if it happens again.
11. Reject requests for training. Why let people take time away from their work to get better at what they’re doing?
12. Don’t explain. If an employee asks why, blow him off! You make the rules.
13. Resist change. Technology and markets are constantly changing, so hold on tight to the way you’ve always done things.